Hoard the Insanity

Dear Igby,

I am sorely disappointed in you. I don't mind the crackling speakers, the dents, the constant shake. Hell, I can even deal with the fact that it takes you FOREVER to accelerate to highway speeds. I'm sorry that I couldn't take you on my G test, but I feared that your performance might not be up to government standards. If this hurt your feelings, I understand, but breaking down on me is NOT the way to show your anger. Do you know much it cost me to fix you? $400. Yes. $400. We are NOT okay, Igby. NOT OKAY.

No love,
Nikki



Today was so odd. Besides paying $400 to get my car fixed, I also rode on a motorcycle, had lunch with strangers, and bought over $100 worth of products at a 'fantasy' party that my mother invited me to. Woah.

But I feel okay about it all because now I really and truly do taste like candy. Well, honey, to be exact.

My mom gave me a list. This is what it said:

Nicole:

- is very attractive (beautiful)
- is ambitious
- has amazing talent
- seeks knowledge + truth
- loves people
- works hard
- wants to be helpful
- is deeply loved
- can overcome anything
- makes very wise choices

I love my mom.

Maybe actually typing some of this out will help.

I had a stressful day at work on Saturday. It was oddly slow for the beginning of the night and then, BAM!! I was slammed with 10+ tables in a 15 minutes span. It was steak night, so everyone’s meals had to start with either a soup or a salad, which are the only two food items that I have to put together, rather than have the kitchen make. I was running around like usual and was handling it all quite well when I somehow managed to dropped 3 bowls of salad on the way to a table. Okay. Stop. Pause.

I’ve been serving for nearly 7 years and have only dropped food ONCE (and technically it wasn’t even my fault that ONE time...and I was 14…). So, this is abnormal to say the least.

The salad dressing went everywhere. I broke two plates and two bowls. I had to go back and remake the salads when I really didn’t have the time to. My boss came out and cleaned up the spill and mopped up the dressing.

Fast forward five minutes and I’m carrying the salads for a different table. I forget that the floor is wet and, in my rushed state, proceed to slip, fall, and break all the dishes in my hands. That was it. I was done. I’d broken the fall with my knee, which was in SO much pain. I cried. I stayed on the floor, surrounded by broken plates and smeared dressing and sobbed my heart out.

My knee is still black and blue.

And today…

I had my final road test this morning. I failed because my brain likes to check out whenever I subject it to overly stressful situations. There’s construction on the highway right now and the speed limit has changed because of it. Traffic is still flowing at normal speeds, but that doesn’t matter when you’re taking a road test. I should have been more attentive. Anyways…failed. So, I get to stress out about it AGAIN and pay another $75 to take the test in a couple week. Ugh.

Later I decided to go get my plates renewed. I wanted to get all my car related issues over with in one day. I made it to the licensing center and found out that I need to put my car through an emissions test ($40) and only then can I get my license renewed (which, by the way, costs $74). I’d had it. I walked out of the office and a middle-aged woman who was talking to me in line walked over and told me that it would be fine. I suppose I looked upset. As soon as she said that the tears started flowing. I couldn’t stop. I wished her a good day and she gave me the saddest smile I’ve ever seen and said, “You too, dear. I hope your day goes much better.”

I realised I had locked my keys in the car as I walked away from her.

I can never have ONE thing go wrong. It’s always been all or nothing with me. There is no happy medium. The universe either sits me on a mountaintop or drowns me.

And I’m still leaving out some significant suckage in the above stories. I just don’t feel like divulging quite so much at the moment. I’m worried about my health. Stress is corrosive.

Time to find new coping mechanisms.

These last three days = EPIC FAIL.

I hate cars and tests and doctors and appointments and...and...and...

I feel like:

When I haven't been kissed

in a long time, I create civil disturbances,
then insult the cops who show up,

till one of them grabs me by the collar
and hurls me up against the squad car,

so I can remember, at least for a moment,
what it's like to be touched.

Addictive.

http://inksmear.tumblr.com/

Anyone else have one? Link it here, please.

Will you help me compile a list?

I’ll start.

101 SEMI-PRODUCTIVE THINGS TO DO WHEN BORED

1) Stretch.
2) Walk.
3) Run.
4) Paint.
5) Clean.
6) Write poetry.
7) Download new music.
8) Dance.
9) Read.